“Each one of us is the custodian of an inner world that we carry around with us.”
~ John O’Donohue, Walking in Wonder: Eternal Wisdom for a Modern World
In my early artist-life, showing my paintings threw me into conflict: I really wanted my paintings to be seen but I feared what they might reveal about me – namely, that I believed that I had no idea what I was doing. I was the poster child for imposter syndrome, a boiling bucket of self-doubt. I used to describe myself as having one foot on the gas and one foot on the brakes.
Even though I was surrounded by wise elders and insightful mentors who assured me that no one really knows what they are doing, my fear of exposure shielded me from their sound advice. I huddled behind a fortress of my own making.
We came upon the vibrant yellow leaves still clinging to their branches, seated next to a field of brilliant ochre and orange grasses. The shock of color was enough to drop me into the present which – as always happens when I become fully present – made the colors that-much-more vivid. Then, the yellow sent me through a time tunnel, a visceral memory of that younger version of myself working in a studio, nearly dancing, smearing yellow paint on an enormous canvas. He was completely in the moment, fully alive.
I wished that this older version of myself could have tapped him on the shoulder and said, “This is what makes you whole, authentic.” I would add, “Someday you will understand. Someday you will leave the fortress behind.”
There is a thread, a consistent truth, that binds us, the young artist and this much older version: this beautiful world has always had a way of shocking me into presence; I have always understood the capacity to be shocked-into-presence as a gift. It has has opened my eyes. It helps me see.
And, when I see, I disappear into “something bigger” than myself. The dance beyond striving. I am lucky: not everyone understands the power of not-knowing, the pleasure of simply arriving, fully alive.
read Kerri’s blog about YELLOW
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Filed under: Art, Creativity, DR Thursday | Tagged: artistry, authentic, david robinson, davidrobinsoncreative.com, imposter syndrome, inner world, Kerri Sherwood, kerri sherwood itunes, kerrianddavid.com, kerrisherwood.com, presence, story, studio melange, the melange |
The Direction of Intention 
[…] read DAVID’s thoughts this D.R. THURSDAY […]
Great article! Got my painting back from Michaels where I had it framed. When, WHEN will I ever attain “no doubt” about my works? About the photo at the end of your article: Why do us men look older while our wives look younger every year? WHY? Not fair. bother
Too, the self-portrait is interesting in that it makes one think inwardly – REALLY THINK – and to wonder.
-Cris
Many great artists have written that doubt is the fuel…It keeps all the questions open and protects against becoming a know-it-all. I think I’ve learned that the key is to not resist the doubt, not try and solve-for-it. Let it be a positive driver of wonderment (my thoughts on a good day;-)
How much do I owe you for that sound advice? I could Rocket it to you.
For you, my blather is always on the house;-)
Almost forgot. I think I need psychiatric intervention. Bought a model rocket kit, an advanced large one. I am loving the challenge of putting it together – with no pieces left out! Could I be suffering from my third childhood? Would appreciate your full knowledgeable assessment.
-Cris
We hope you are always in “child mind!” We need more people who know how to play!